right know I feel like taking a hole bottle of pills to numb the pain. I feel so ugly fat and gross is such a loser I have no job my internship suck and didn't get a job out of it which I don't thing that I wanted to work for them any ways.

so i haven't posted in a long time well I finished up school and I'm no on my externship I'm working at a foot clinic it s going OK haven't decided if I like it so far I'm don't what to make any mistakes I feel like a fish out of water. so I'm still a lone that's not a surprise I don't no when I will ever find some um really tied it like 12:30 and I want to go to bed but I'm at my friends house and they are up watching a movie and I feel so out of place. tomorrow we are going to the st Patrick's day parade hop its fun.

I need someone to talk to I'm so lonely and feel like shit I dropped out of school and have no job I feel like a failed. why to hell do I have to have this disease! so far no medication has been able to make the sadness go away. I don't know who to trust I want a boyfriend so bad but I feel like I can never trust a man every man that I have cared about has hurt me or let me down. all I do is sit in my room and watch TV I feel like I'm going insane I need to scream or punch something so bad aaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

so I'm stressed out I found out that I'm failing 2 class and I only have four days to pick my grades up. I'm just thinking about quiting all I do is cry I hate my class I feel like I can't take it anymore thank god I get to talk to my doctor tomorrow hopefully she can help me make up my mind.I just want to scream or punch something so badly. another thing that really making me made is guys all I want is a relationship and it seems that no guys want that ive just been do bummed this week.

I have know on to talk to so I'm just going to talk to this computer. I feel like I'm never going to be happy I have all this ideas that I want but I cant see it really happening like the one in only thing I want More in the world is to get married and have a family but I can see it happening to me I get so jealous see my friend and people I went to school with be married or have kids I think what I'm I doing wrong when will that be me? why do I have this stupid disease. I feel like I'm taking two steps back the doctor increased my my meds to day they better help or I don't know what I'm going to do I was doing good not smoking weed or taking pain killers up that all I want to do that the only thing that makes me happy

So one of my friends introduced to to this guy I was very scared to meet him I haven't been in a relationship for almost a year but I trusted her she promised that I will like him. So Saturday we all me at this local bar. well she was right we hit it off and I have been talking him and is not like any other guy I have ever meet he very nice has a job and is romantic. but I'm very scared to get to know him afraid that is thing get serious that I will have to tell him about my rape and I don't want what happen to me affect the relationship or he get scared and leave me. this is going to be a very hard thing to keep from him it such a part of my life and to have to hide its just going to be so hard but I'm trying not to get my hopes up cause we just meet and don't really know each other.

I'm so sick of being depressed feeling like shit about myself not having any friends my life sucks and I wish it would just end. I'm I ever going to feel happy.