whats wrong with me?

I I'm still feeling like crap about myself. I have no friends to call and talk to. They all have boyfriend and baby's to take care of, it makes me sad that I'm alone I wonder if I'm going to meet someone that wants to be with me.I so scared of getting hurt I still miss my ex. I wish that he would call. I'm so stupid he is not think of me and I'm here crying over him that why I hate myself I cant do a damn thing right what is wrong with me why cant I keep a guy?

I feel like shit today I hate myself and the decision that I make why does everything happens to me ! today sucks

So yesterday I talked to the cop that is working in my cases to talk about someone that is a suspect.I never got a good look at my rapist but I have this gut feeling that it was this man that was friends with my roommate he was the only one that new I was staying at her apartment and the body type matches. I was scared to tell the cops that it might be him I didn't want them to arrest him and it not be him. But when I talk to the cop he said that he also thinks that is was him and he is going to do what ever it takes to get the man who toke my life away. I was happy to hear that but its hard to believe it.I could sleep at all last night just thinking about everything,I just want my life back be a strong person and never let another man hurt me again.
The cop and I had a long talk it mad me feel good that he cares cause I didn't think that he cared about what happened to me. He said that he thinks about my case everyday and it bothers him that they haven't found him. Im just gunna keep praying that he will get caught!

I went to the doctors the other day and they put me on new meds they have really helped me but yesterday I started to feel depressed. Im so feed up with life I just dont know what to do anymore.

So I went to my doctor to day and I was talking to her about how hard it is to make and keep friends she told me that it was my fault because know one wants to be bother with my problems I got so up set I think that friend should be there for you when your on need. I'm not going to go back I think that she is total wrong.I called my friend to she what she thought about it and she said that she was crazy and that she would not go back either.I'm so angry I don't know what I'm going to do now I'm really gunna have to work on myself now that I don't have a doctor to talk to this is gong to be so hard I'm really gunna have to pray about this tonight.

Im feeling really depressed and sick I wont see the doctor till tuesday I reallyy hope that she ups my meds or puts me on something that works more better.I have 3 month left of school and I really want to get a job soon but Im scared to work again the last time I worked was in july and Im worried about my ptsd.

It was been over a year since the rape but it feels like the first day, I see a doctor every to weeks and take 2 anti depressants and ativan for the ptsd but they have not worked. I feel like I am never going to be happy.after the rape I lost all of my friend but one the girl that I was my best friend it was her house where I was raped at. After the rape I went back to work that was a bad idea I would just cryed and could not work full days I also had to hid it from my coworkers but they new something was wrong.
SoI decided to get a new job I loved my new job I had meet what I thought was a great guy I was moving out. I thought that that every thing was going to get better but soon after moving out I was laid off, the guy that I was dating told me that it was going to be OK that he would help me out and pay my bills but a week later he was laid off to. that's when I shared with my boyfriend that I was raped he was supported and told me that he was going to help me through it.

Then me and my roommate (best friend) got in to this huge fight that ended a long time friendship then the worst part of all the guy that said that loved me and wasn't never going to leave me left me with out saying a word he just stoped awsering my calls and texted.I was so lost I had no friend and no boyfrind I did know what I was going to do? thats when I decided to go to school so far i have been in school for 5 month it has been a very hard thing dealing with ptsd and school and paying rent I was bearly making it.2 weeks ago I decide to move out of the apartment and back in with my parents so I could finish up school and start over.

This is a big thing for me I have never talked about what happened to me to many people I have always hid it from people. But no I have desided to just put it out there.

I was rape september 30th at my friend appartment when a unknow man broken in and held me at gun point.I repoorted it to to police but they still have not found the man that did this to me.